Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Tightrope Walk Of (in)Sanity

I feel as though lately I'm barely surviving this wonderful job of Stay at Home Motherdom.

I am questioning my ability to parent (well) given that lately my throat seems hoarse from too much yelling.

"The dog is NOT a horse Adrian!  Get off her right now!"

"STOP pushing your brother!"

"PLEASE get down from there right now or you're going to your room!"

"Get out of the closet before someone gets seriously hurt!"

"Honest to God if you don't stop freaking out so that I can put this sunscreen on you NO ONE is going outside!"

"Keep your hands and feet to yourself - there is NO kicking or hitting in this house!"

"RILEY!!!! Drop that right now!!  DROP IT!!"

"Stop eating the dog food!"

"Be nice to your little brother!  He's just a baby!"

"How many times do I have to tell you!!!!!.....(pretty much all of the above and more)"

Is it because I have two rambunctious little boys (and a dog) that I feel this way? mother's with two girls have it easier or is it a different kind of difficult?

I feel like I'm in constant referee mode and it's literally (and I mean literally) making me insane.

And what's worse is that I never really considered myself a yeller.  I don't like yelling.  And I know it doesn't help matters...but sometimes it does make me feel better.  What is that???

I know I'm making this sound humorous but in the thick of things I find zero humour in it at all.

Today I got to the point utter exhaustion in dealing with it all.

 And cried.

Not just a few tears running down my face.

Ugly red face shoulder shaking hysterical barely catch my breath sob crying.

My husband was just leaving for work too which made me cry even harder.

I know, right?  Get a grip!  I wanted to take myself by the shoulders and shake, shake, shake some calm into me.


I just wasn't sure how much more I could take.


I know how badly he felt having to leave...he knows that he's barely been around in the past month or so due to work.  He has his own stress and guilt issues to deal with without me compounding them by having a meltdown on him.

He held me and calmly gave me words of comfort telling me he was going to be home as soon as he could.

But 'soon' just wasn't soon enough for me.

I hate feeling sorry for myself and I hate even more feeling like I'm just "getting through" my days and not feeling appreciative and fortunate that I have the opportunity to hang out with my boys all day long.  (haha - if only it was as easy as just chilling with my boys)

This is when I find solace in blogging my dear friends, fellow bloggers.  I need to know I'm not totally alone here and the rational side of my brain tells me I'm not.  Reality tells me I'm not.  I know I'm not.  I've read enough of other Mom blogs to know that...but here I am.

Pouring my heart out.



Helene said...

I wish we lived closer to one another (actually I have no clue where you live but I assume we're not geographically close to one another but who knows...maybe you live in the next town over and I had no idea!)...we could commiserate together over a glass of "lemonade" while the kids run around spitting on one another.

I've had days like that too...where I question my ability to be a SAHM. Or even just a mom in general. There have been days where I say to my husband, "Sometimes, I just don't know what I was thinking in wanting to be a mother so desperately".

It's good to cry and get all the emotions out. Honestly, I always feel better after a good solid cry.

Hang in there...if it's any comfort, do know that there are so many of us out there who are going through the same emotions!

Amber_D said...

You are absolutely NOT alone. I can't tell you how many days have ended where I've felt like all I've done all day is watch the clock and scream.
Being a mom is hard. That is so cliche and I wish I had something more eloquent to say, but holy shit is it HARD.
I feel bad sometimes because I call my husband on his drive home from work and say "When will you be here? I can't take anymore!" And then I think 'These are my children. How could I feel that way about them?' but it's such a demanding role with no breaks and no vacations.
Hang in there. We're right there with you.

January Dawn said...

@Helene - Oh how I do wish we were closer. I'm sure we'd have a great time together sipping on "lemonade".... I don't think we are....I live in Canada and I'm pretty sure you're in the States??? Not sure why I think that though...might I have read that somewhere on your blog?

@Amber - thank you, thank you. Just knowing I'm not the only Mom feeling like a failure at times is good enough. :)

Shell said...

You just described most of my days. Well, minus the dog. But, I do tell mine to stay off their baby brother. Does that count? It's just so hard. You are not alone at all.