This is 40

It's Friday night and we're surrounded with pillows and duvet covers, blankets and dark.  The boys are sleeping.  We're watching a movie and the couple onscreen mirrors our position.  They were having a discussion about how they imagined killing each other.

I turn to my husband somewhat horrified, "You don't think about killing me do you?"

"No.  Never.  Honestly.  I never have." He shakes his head. He is stone faced.  I believe him.  Perhaps naively...but I do. I mean I've certainly never had those thoughts about my husband before.

That's a pretty dark conversation no?

During another point in the movie the husband flips his wife off (quite aggressively) as she walks away after a conversation that occurred while he was on the toilet seemingly avoiding time with the family.  She is accusatory and he is beyond exasperated.  Pissed off is more like it.

"You've never done that before to me have you?"  Referring to the middle finger salute.

"No never.  I would never."

Liar.

This couple is clearly flawed. Like all of us.  The movie makes me laugh til I cry.  And then I cry.

I can't relate to some of it.

But I can relate to a lot of it.

The inner workings of their marriage.  The fighting, the bickering, the unresolved anger, the time away from the children when they forget how they could possibly ever even think about hating each other or even fight, the way they love their children.

The way they love each other.

And the way they hate each other.

That's what marriage is.  It is the hardest thing in the world.  If you want it to succeed.

People say that being a parent is the hardest thing in the world.  But I disagree.  Marriage is.  Children are an extension of you and the love you have for them is incomparable to anything else in the world.  Even when they push buttons, drive you crazy, make you scream into pillows and want to drown yourself in a bucket of wine, the love that you have for your child never wavers.  It's constant and pure.  It's easy to love your children even when it's so hard.  

But to stay in love with someone for rest of your life is the most challenging thing one can ever commit to.  It's work.  And you both have to be willing to work at it together.  

I've said it before and I will say it again, the most important thing one can ever do (if they choose to marry) is to choose the right life partner.  The biggest accomplishment in life is a successful marriage.    Success is full of hard work, passion, love, tears and a strong sense of working towards a common goal.  The goal of making it work even when you can't see the light for the trees...or a very dark and dense forest.

It's damn tough but it's worth it.

After the movie my husband walked out of the room asking over his shoulder, "Have you ever thought of killing me?"

"No. Just physically harming you."  (It's very rare, this thought.  And I always feel really bad about it after.)

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This.  Is 40.  (for one of us anyway)

Age ain't nothin' but a number honey but it sure looks good on you.

Happy Birthday John.

Love of my life.

Cheers to another 40 years.  Even if I want to physically harm you sometimes, you are my very favourite man in the whole world and I can't imagine my life without you.

(also?  Happy 13th non-anniversary...wow)

We're so lucky to have found each other.

Really.

I love you.