After we bid my husband adieu for his work trip away my children's behaviour began to take a downward spiral.
It was a conspiracy between both my sons to make me feel like we were going to have a beautiful afternoon in the sun because it began so nicely. I donned my rain boots and rake to start in on my garden as it was the first really warm day we've had since Spring has not sprung. They donned their shoes and actual clothing and came outside to play. I kept finding worms in my garden and they were playing with them, making them swim in puddles.
They trick you, you see, by making you feel like you can actually do stuff like gardening. So you get in a zone, you're feeling good. So comfortable in fact...that you might even feel like a great parent because look! Your kids are out in nature and learning about vegetable gardening and playing with worms! But then Adrian freaked out because Finley told him that worms WILL DIE IN WATER but Adrian couldn't bear the thought of someone telling him incorrect information and so the fighting began. And it just got worse.
And it all began over whether or not worms will die in water.
For. The. Love.
Not even an hour after my husband quietly and sweetly spoke the words to each of our boys, "Be good for your Mother. Listen to your Mother. Be nice to each other. No fighting. Behave. Adrian...you're the man of the house now."
And because I've been dealing with PMS for 15 days straight for some god forsaken reason...possibly because I just turned 35 and apparently what comes with age is really freaking HORRIBLE pms I don't know but good Lord give me a break! My boys began to act like top notch assholes. More specifically my five year old.
I'm sorry if calling my children assholes offends anyone (technically I'm not calling them assholes but merely saying they're acting like assholes - the two are not one and the same) but if you've never had the thought that your children are being assholes then either you have angelic-like children (kind of an ironic statement if you ask me...devils in disguise is more like it...don't let those boys wide blue eyes and cherubic cheeks fool you) or you're simply not being honest with yourself. If that is the case you are quite welcome to excuse yourself now after I remind you that I often write about the beautiful and at times chaotic moments of Motherhood...like here, and here, and here, and here. But I'm all about being real about life as a parent and this is one of those times where I'm being bluntly honest. There is no doubt that I adore my children beyond and back but when the whining, yelling, fighting and unending demands come at you like a black vortex of noise and negative emotions on top of feeling like my head might start spinning from all of the mood swings I have no control over for 15 days straight one can't help but get ... well ... pissed off. (yes my husband practically whistled and tra-la-la'ed whilst doing a jaunty side jump heel click as he left the house today. Okay so he actually didn't. But in his head I'm sure he did. And I can't say I blame him much. Anyway...I'm on B Complex vitamins now so by the time he returns I'll be one shiny happy person. Well. We'll see about that. Perhaps this is far too much information for one to divulge about themselves but I dare you to say it to my face right now. Go ahead.)
Anyway. Back to my asshole story.
So I'm rational at first. I use phrases like, "If you do such and such than your making the choice to lose your privileges of such and such..." but after so many of these annoying sentences (because I even annoy myself when I start saying crap like that) that don't work I begin the more common cliched sentences such as, "That's it! I've had enough! This is ridiculous! Go to your room (yeah right ... when do they actually just start doing this?)" And when he mouths back (and they do! Oh do they! With a smirk which is so much more infuriating than anything else) I actually said this sentence to Adrian, "Okay your chocolate Easter bunny is gone. Clearly you don't need ANYMORE sugar...BYE BYE BUNNY!!!!" Maturity at it's best right there as I stomped up the stairs intending to do what ??!! I'm not sure with that (delicious) hidden gold wrapped Lindt bunny rabbit from Gramma.
That is until I found it, unwrapped it and scarfed it down like it was the first food I'd seen 6 months.
Oh yes I did.
There. That should do it.
I even covered my PMS chocolate craving.