A Night Like This

I walked into our room shrouded in darkness.  I felt my way toward the bed.

"I can't see a thing."  I whisper, knowing little boys were sleepy yet still awake in our bed cuddled up with their Daddy.

I blindly found my place and lay curled around my eldest.

I pictured someone looking down upon us at that moment.  A perfect picture of family happiness.

And we are.

And we aren't.

Life is full of those moments when another could pass us by and marvel at our smiles.  Our laughter.

And those moments that one would judge us in a minute of sharp tongues and dark looks.

Before we become parents we often have our romantic vision of what parenthood will entail.  For some people the dream comes to fruition - perhaps?  Maybe.  But...for many others the beginning can often be an uncomfortable jolt of reality mixed in with the occasional slit of sunshine.  It's hard.  It is that.  We often impatiently anticipate the next stage.  When will they begin to walk so that we don't have to carry them 24/7.  The next year.  When they can communicate their needs.  So that we don't have to hear them squawk every time they're hungry, thirsty or simply in need for some affection.  The next year after that.  So that perhaps those nerve fraying tantrums will come to end.  (I'm still waiting for that time to come).

And sometimes, like tonight, we sigh a happy sigh, surrounded by what is right now.

"Okay Fin...it's time for bed."  I could hear my husband murmur to our little one.

"No way."  Of-course no way.  What's better than snuggling in bed with your whole family?  I'll tell you what...nothing.  I knew where he was coming from.

"Oh but I think Sleepy Sheepy and Bunny want you to come to bed.  They missed you today.  Can't you hear them calling for you?"

This was my cue.  What becomes the teamwork of marriage.  Then the unspoken teamwork of parenthood. I prepared my voice in the upper register of my already slightly high voice and began softly, trying not to awaken my other son, now warm with sleep by my side.  "Finleeeeyyy....Fiiiinleeeey."

"Oh!  Did you hear that?  Sleep Sheepy's calling you."

He giggled with delight.

"And I think I hear Bunny now too."

I prepared my voice once again.  Lower, gravelly.  "Finley!  Fiiiinley...."

He lowered himself from our high bed dropping softly to the carpet, making his way to his room until my husband scooped him up into his arms.

"Don't forget to give Mummy a kiss goodnight."

My husband lowered him down to my face, his lips puckered for mine.  He buried his face in my neck for quick hug and off he went.

As I turned toward my eldest, breathing deeply in dreamland I recalled the too short, sleepless, crying filled nights that I thought would never end.  The endless days anticipating the arrival of my husband from work.  Each minute ticking by slower than the next.  (and still living these days).

I remembered my romantical visions of parenthood before I became one.

I reminisced the collision of my far fetched vignette edged dreams with the sharpened edge of reality as my right now was filled with soft, sweet contentment.