He is Four

There are moments as you sit on my lap, your lanky legs hanging well below my knees, when you reach your hand back, your palm to my cheek and turn your head to kiss my other cheek stating an "I love you Mumma".

There is no reason, but simply because...

There are the moments when you crawl into our bed at night, though the bed is wide and expansive you always snuggle in right beside me, the warmth of your small yet growing frame a large comfort to my own...

There are the moments when you reach up for me, to be comforted, hugged or simply because you wish to be close to me...

There are the moments when your hand finds mine as we walk down the road or even up the stairs...

There are the moments when you burrow yourself into my lap, like you're still just the size of a babe...you curl up and nuzzle my neck like a new born pup trying to find the perfect spot, you always whisper "Mumma".  I laugh and hold you close, kissing your cheeks a thousand times.  I often say when you do this, "You'd go right back inside my belly if you could wouldn't you?"  You never did want to be revealed.  It was many days of walking, deep knee bends, spicy foods and some tears of frustration feeling like I was going to be pregnant forever.  But it was 8 days past your due date, on Superbowl Sunday four years ago, as the nail biter of a game finished off (in the birthing room! - your Dad actually fixed what the nurses claimed was a broken t.v. so that this could happen - and I still love the man, will wonders ever cease?) with a huge upset, you decided to come into this world.

All 9.6 pounds of you. Red, wrinkly, angry and looking like a 6 week old already.

Precious moments of affection with you are what make my world go 'round.  Though these moments are often now, I know someday they won't come often at all.

I soak in these moments like the warmth of the sun that peeks out from behind a billowy white cloud on a perfect spring day.

The other day I picked you up to settle you on my hip.

Except it wasn't that easy.

You are 45 lbs and all limbs and angles.  Sharp elbows and bony knees.

"Mumma, you can't carry me anymore!  I'm too big for that."

And it's starting already.

But you still call me Mumma.  So.  There's that.

The other day you put your not quite 4 year old hand up to my 34 year old one.  Your fingers already reach above my palm and I do not have small hands. I said to you, "Someday your hand is going to be bigger than mine."  And you asked, "And bigger than Daddy's?" I answered, "Yes, probably bigger than Daddy's."

It's hard for a Mother to wrap her head around these things. These images.  The flash backs and flash forwards in time. How at one point this beautiful baby boy, so helpless and innocent, whose whole world is their Mommy and Daddy, one day, seemingly all of a sudden, becomes a strong, independent man who someday will likely become the world to another little human being.

I often wonder about the strange phenomenon of the way time moves so much faster as the years go by, for though I look forward to watching you grow up into the wonderful man I know you will become, I often wish this phenomenon would give me the grace of more time.


More precious moments of affection.

But time doesn't stop, pause or go back in time.

It never will.

Except, it seems, when I watch you sleep.  Your face has an angelic baby faced look still but when you're asleep it's that much more so.  Like time has gone backwards for those moments.  I kiss your soft cheeks and inhale your scent, my heart expanding and contracting with so.much.love.  It feels like it's too much. Much too much for me to handle sometimes.  This love that's ever evolving, always constant, growing deeper and bigger with each passing birthday.

As much as I wish for time to pause or slow down I am excited to watch you grow, to learn more about you as a person, to learn from you as a child, as a teen, as a young man and a grown adult.

No, you were not simply born into my life for me to teach you, for I've learned an incredible amount about myself, about life and about you since the day you arrived in mine.

Since the day I gave birth to you.

Since the day I  too was born.

A Mother.

Happy 4th birthday beautiful boy of mine.  May you always be as loving and affectionate, as energetic and as fiery, as funny and full of character as you are now.

I've no doubt that you will be all of those things.

And more.

No doubt at all.

Blissed out and completely exhausted.
There is not a more amazing feeling than your baby sleeping on your  chest.