Deep Breaths

"I'm not even sure it's a nice day to BE at an outdoor pool today...and..."

And the fireworks of tears and screeching flow.

And I am tempted to run down to the calendar on my kitchen wall and begin to place X's on every day of summer 'break' I've so far survived.

It's not even noon yet and the summer isn't even half over.

If there was any one person standing outside my door this morning they would either nod their head in affiinity (if they  were a parent.  Only if...) and anyone else would shake their heads and judge, wondering what in God's name is going ON with all the yelling (all of us), the fighting (the boys....wait...all of us) and the tears (the boys...but if the fighting between the boys keeps happening I will definitely be added to that list).

We took Riley to the dog park this morning.  A beautiful dog park with trails and fields and wooded areas.  I found myself reminding myself to look around at the wonder of nature surrounding us and breathe.  Breathe deeply.  It felt so good, the deep breathing and I wondered if all I did all day was barely breathe at all.

Reminder:  Breathe deeply more often.  It may sound more like a sigh but it's a start.

Of-course after my wondrous deep breathing my little one fell in a heap on the ground because wood chips kept getting into his new flip flops which he was still getting used to wearing.  Flip flops which I had advised him several times weren't a good idea to wear to this particular park.

But I figure, lesson learned. Maybe next time he will decide to listen to his very wise Mother.

Or not.  Probably not.

Breathe deeply.

So we're supposed to be going to a pool.  But the day is turning to cloud and cool winds and they won't stop trampling loudly through the house, screaming and generally driving me insane.

I didn't even sign them up for camps this summer.

I'm pretty sure that's mental suicide.

They've found their way down to the basement to play Minecraft.  For the 556th time this summer.  That sounds like a gross exaggeration but it's probably not.  At least it's somewhat "edjamacational" as my little one would say.

I find my chest tighten and my mind whirl.  What am I going to do with them all the live long days in this forever feeling but fast moving summer?  What?!?!  Dear God.  

What.  

They're quiet for now and so I breathe.  Breeeathe.

Who cares if they play too many video games?  It certainly isn't like they don't play outside even more.  They do. We do.  

They should be reading more.  They should be playing more board games.  They should be doing those educational activity books that have barely been touched.

Go away you niggly, naggy, judgy voices.  Go.  Away. They are quiet and for the sake of sanity...that's all I need.  

Clomp, clomp, clomp.  "Moommmy!"

For. The. Love.

There goes my quiet.

Breathe Deeply.

And so I close my eyes I picture...

...Fin's little four year old flip flopped feet.  His toes that I still kiss, pretend they're really stinky and fall over from.  "Close your eyes Mommy." he says and I do while he picks a wildflower that I will always tuck behind my ear.  His sweet smile.  The sweetest little smile that I ever did see.  I see Adrian's big feet, ever growing limbs.  His smile as he runs like the wind with our dog or while playing soccer. I hear his deep belly giggles that still remind me of when he was a baby.  Their soft backs under my hands as I gently tickle them to tiredness.

I feel their hands in mine after an hour of meandering through a market.  "You don't have to hold my hands you know guys."

But they don't let go.

That makes me happy.

"Mooommmy?  When can we go swimming?"

And so the breathing continues...