This is 40

It's Friday night and we're surrounded with pillows and duvet covers, blankets and dark.  The boys are sleeping.  We're watching a movie and the couple onscreen mirrors our position.  They were having a discussion about how they imagined killing each other.

I turn to my husband somewhat horrified, "You don't think about killing me do you?"

"No.  Never.  Honestly.  I never have." He shakes his head. He is stone faced.  I believe him.  Perhaps naively...but I do. I mean I've certainly never had those thoughts about my husband before.

That's a pretty dark conversation no?

During another point in the movie the husband flips his wife off (quite aggressively) as she walks away after a conversation that occurred while he was on the toilet seemingly avoiding time with the family.  She is accusatory and he is beyond exasperated.  Pissed off is more like it.

"You've never done that before to me have you?"  Referring to the middle finger salute.

"No never.  I would never."

Liar.

This couple is clearly flawed. Like all of us.  The movie makes me laugh til I cry.  And then I cry.

I can't relate to some of it.

But I can relate to a lot of it.

The inner workings of their marriage.  The fighting, the bickering, the unresolved anger, the time away from the children when they forget how they could possibly ever even think about hating each other or even fight, the way they love their children.

The way they love each other.

And the way they hate each other.

That's what marriage is.  It is the hardest thing in the world.  If you want it to succeed.

People say that being a parent is the hardest thing in the world.  But I disagree.  Marriage is.  Children are an extension of you and the love you have for them is incomparable to anything else in the world.  Even when they push buttons, drive you crazy, make you scream into pillows and want to drown yourself in a bucket of wine, the love that you have for your child never wavers.  It's constant and pure.  It's easy to love your children even when it's so hard.  

But to stay in love with someone for rest of your life is the most challenging thing one can ever commit to.  It's work.  And you both have to be willing to work at it together.  

I've said it before and I will say it again, the most important thing one can ever do (if they choose to marry) is to choose the right life partner.  The biggest accomplishment in life is a successful marriage.    Success is full of hard work, passion, love, tears and a strong sense of working towards a common goal.  The goal of making it work even when you can't see the light for the trees...or a very dark and dense forest.

It's damn tough but it's worth it.

After the movie my husband walked out of the room asking over his shoulder, "Have you ever thought of killing me?"

"No. Just physically harming you."  (It's very rare, this thought.  And I always feel really bad about it after.)

**************************************************************************

This.  Is 40.  (for one of us anyway)

Age ain't nothin' but a number honey but it sure looks good on you.

Happy Birthday John.

Love of my life.

Cheers to another 40 years.  Even if I want to physically harm you sometimes, you are my very favourite man in the whole world and I can't imagine my life without you.

(also?  Happy 13th non-anniversary...wow)

We're so lucky to have found each other.

Really.

I love you.

Why do you love me, Mumma?

I walked into the bathroom to find you standing on your step stool brushing your teeth.  Your lanky five year old body was clad in your too small Iron Man pajamas your wrists and ankles exposed.  You met my eyes in the mirror your mouth full of strawberry flavoured foam and at once I noticed your step stool really wasn't a requirement any longer.

My mind did a silent ka-boom as my heart seemed to simultaneously expand, flip and leap into my throat at these thoughts and the sight of you.  With two short steps I hugged you and kissed your temple, "Iloveyou, Iloveyou.  I. Love. You."  I held you tight to me for a second longer.

The reaction to my not unusual spontaneous affection and your question stunned me.  "Why?"

You actually wanted me to list reasons why I loved you.  My son.  "Why?  Because you're smart and fun and funny.  You are sweet and you're a good son, a good brother and a good friend.  Because you are kind."

You seemed satisfied with my answers.  But I wasn't.  They were all true of-course but there was so entirely much more and much less to why I, as your Mother, love you.

Did I say enough?  Too much?

Did I even need to answer that question?

But of-course I did.  You asked.

You wiped your mouth, rinsed your toothbrush knocking it on the sink a couple of times just like your father does and looked up at me with pursed lips.

I leaned down and gave you a kiss, "Toothpaste kiss!" we both chimed.

I realized I could go on for forever and a day about why I love you and the things I love about you.  From your impish dimply smile, the light freckle on your left cheek, the way your 50 pound body still crawls into my lap at the dinner table or snuggles with me at night before bed, the way you love to make babies laugh by making silly faces and the look on your face when you are concentrating on printing out something on paper.  I love the softness of your cheeks, your unruly curls and the way I can still see your face as a newborn while you sleep.

But why do I love you Adrian?

Because you are my son. 

And because of that I think you are one of the most amazing creations on the face of this planet.

The reason is as pure....

                                    .... and as simple 

                                                                     ....as that.