Monday, January 9, 2012

When he goes...

I awake to the sound of the alarm.  I don't know what time it is exactly.  But it's early.  Very early.  And very, very dark.

He shuts it off quickly and as I lay beside my eldest who remains deeply asleep despite the brief cacophony, I remember through my haze of sleepiness...

He leaves today for 8 days.

I realize now it's better this way.  Him leaving so early in the morning instead of the day ahead...waiting, dreading for the hour that he has to leave.  The clock tick, tick, ticking away.  The day always seems to drag on with a pall of grey moodiness lying heavily upon it...my anxiety growing as each hour passes.  It's been six years since he's started this job that takes him away for weeks at a time and though it's gotten easier, it's still not easy.  I remember the first time he left for over 3 weeks when I was pregnant with our first child.  I cried and cried.  And cried some more.  It seems so silly now.  I only had myself and a dog to take of after all.  There were probably a lot of hormones that had to do with most of those tears. I'll never forget the way my heart clenched and my throat closed as soon as I drove away from the airport.

I watch him as the light spills yellow from behind the half closed bathroom door as he gets ready, packing last minute toiletries.  The bed slightly moving each time he places something in the suitcase sitting on his side of the bed.  He doesn't know that I'm awake yet.  And then he does.

"Sorry if I'm being annoying honey."  He says.

I wasn't annoyed.

He's handsome, this husband of mine.  Full head of almost black, wavy hair, beautiful green eyes framed with dark long lashes that my boys luckily inherited.  A mostly straight nose with a slight bump from a break many years ago.  I love the look of serious concentration that he gets when packing.  I love to watch him, I love to listen to him talk too.  And he still makes me laugh.  No matter how much I've heard the same. Stories or discussions, I always enjoy what he has to say.  Well.  Almost always.  Unless he's got something to say about how I stack the dishwasher or over pack the garbage or the messiness of the stove when I cook.  Or when he goes on and on...and on and on...and on about every single shot at every single hole of his golf game.

But I digress.

I snuggle in closer to my big boy, feeling warm and cozy beneath the comforter as my son's body curls into mine.

I'm feeling a tiny bit guilty for the gratefulness I'm feeling, that it's him and not me leaving for the week ahead.  I recall just over a year ago, the night before I went away for 4 days, how he found me in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet, muffling my sobs with a towel. I was going to Los Cabos, Mexico to attend my best friend's wedding.  Bliss!  Even still...the tears, the anxiety couldn't be corked.

I know he doesn't entirely enjoy the travelling for work but there are aspects that I think must be enjoyable.  Dinners out at nice restaurants (though he always says my cooking is better than any restaurant's - now that's love), socializing with other adults. Even some time alone in a hotel room would be nice.  But these are my thoughts, my wishes on challenging days with the boys when he's not here.  They are not my reality.  I know how hard it is being away from my family, I did it.  Once.  For a whole four days. I can only imagine how much he misses us when he's gone.  And of-course we miss him.  A lot.

He comes around to my side of the bed and kisses me sweetly on the corner of my mouth then leans over me to give Adrian a tender kiss on the cheek, running his hand down his back. He smells of soap and Old Spice deoderant.

We softly say our  good-byes and I love you's.

I watch him walk out of our bedroom door, picking up his suitcase and shutting the bathroom light off on his way.

As I laid there, sleepy and comfortable, the head of my curly haired boy right next to mine, his chubby cheeked face turned toward me, breath warm against my cheek, no part of me envied that he was leaving on jet plane, so to speak.

Even if it was to Vegas.  First class all the way  baby.


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14 comments:

Ellen said...

Thank you.

Robin noteverstill said...

My husband (who leaves Wednesday) insists that he doesn't sleep well in hotel beds because they're unfamiliar, and lonely. I think he's trying to be loyal :) because the opportunity to sleep uninterrupted for eight hours??? It just sounds so good. Yay for sweet husbands! And I hope this feeling of gratitude sustains you until he returns.

icantbrain.com said...

This is sweet. Please tell me that you tell your husband all those nice things, or at the very least he reads your blog.

It's nice to know how someone feels even if you think they already know.

January Dawn said...

@Ellen(Mum)- you're welcome.

@Robin - The gratitude so far is sustaining me.

@icantbrain - my husband reads my blog everyday. Even but especially when he's out of the country. :)

Brandy @ Momwich said...

My husband works for the government and gets summoned to Washington DC constantly for big meetings. DC! I can't compete with that, and I know he must enjoy going. And I'm always a little jealous of the fine dining and shopping but mostly, just grateful that I get to stay home -- and hey, stretching out in that big bed is soemtimes nice :) I hope this week goes by quckly for you so you can have your tall and handsome home again.

Ado said...

Ok, loved how you used "corked" as a verb there. (-: Just had to get that out.
The other thing is: when I read your post about your husband leaving and how much it matters to you I feel so guilty, oh so very guilty, because honestly mine travels so much we hardly even say good bye anymore. That's not really true but I've totally over-adapted and so have the girls. On his last biz trip - mid-way through it, I think he'd been gone for 3 days - Ella said, "Hey, where is Daddy?" ----> eeeks! She didn't know he was gone.
I think this is how we've adapted.
He's here a lot more lately but we've crossed some weird line where when one of us goes it's just a total non-event probably because we've had so many departures.
Anyway - reading this really touched me. Scared me a little too. I better up my good byes now! (-:

Andrea @ The Penny-Roach's said...

This is beautiful! I love how you write it so descriptively, almost makes me feel like I was there watching the good bye :)

euregirlsandboys said...

It's so sweet - and wonderful - that you still feel this way every time he leaves. My husband and I don't have to travel separately except on extremely rare occasions, but we get all worked up and cry any time it happens, after 17 years together :)

Laura@Catharsis said...

I hate when my husband has to leave for a while. Thankfully, he doesn't have to do it for work. But still, it's hard. I guess that's how you know it's real love. When you can't stand to be apart.

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

I can somewhat relate. My husband doesn't travel often for work, but when he goes, he goes for weeks. When we were childless, I had no problems with it. I took the time to be on my own, to hang out with my friends.

Since we became parents, I feel his absence. Small things like him tucking the boy into bed, greeting us when he comes home from work... sigh.

Shannon from mynewfavoriteday said...

I can so relate to this, the sleepy goodbye, the sweet kiss, the whisper, the tug at the heart string. The imagining of his time in the city with the away time, but the missing of you and the family. Just lovely.

Kimberly said...

Your words paint a gorgeous picture of a family who cares deeply for each other.

Love it. Stopped by from Lovelinks today, and am so glad I did :)

Lolo @ The Lyons Din said...

Aw... Mine went on a 4-day trip last weekend. I was kind of excited when he left. Kinda sad too, but excited that I'd have the bed to myself. But by the third day, I couldn't wait for him to come home.

Sweet post.

Jamie said...

I love tales of husband love. We don't tell them enough.