Wednesday, January 11, 2012

A Moment of Choice

The night started to go down hill when I was changing my youngest's diaper and stood him up on the change table to pull up his pj bottoms.  He jumped up in excitement as I was chatting away and as he did his shoulder hit the underside of my chin and both sides of my tongue got in the way of my molars.

I hastily put him down on the floor as tears stung my eyes from the pain.

"Mother!" I yelled and I stomped out with my right foot the other two cursed syllables that usually come after that...

My boys thought my little show was hilarious. (I now kinda see why).  They didn't care that I was hurt.  Not in the least.

And that hurt.  It also made me mad.

Why they gotta be so mean???!!!  I thought to myself.

"Really guys?  Well, next time you come crying to me hurt, I'm going to laugh at you."

Okay.  So not my best moment as a Mother.  And of-course I would never do such a thing.

They continued to laugh and laugh. Falling on the ground laughing.

I stomped out of the room calling after them to get into my room now or they'd be going to bed without any books read.

They followed, of-course, they love being read to.

We cuddled up in my king sized bed, the previous ridiculous moment bid adieu.

It was calm time.  Book and bed time.

But Adrian would not stop moving around.

He was being more than a little boisterous and driving me more than a little crazy.

"If you don't sit still beside me and calm down, no more books Adrian."

And that was it.

He tested me once more.

"That's it!  You guys are going to bed.  Now."

I picked up a crying Fin...and I felt so bad.  It wasn't fair to him.  He was the one sitting serenely in my lap the whole time.

But I was fed up.  Five days of parenting alone and my patience was threadbare.

I gave Finley his soother and his Spiderman action figure that he currently must clutch at nap and bed time.

I gave him a kiss and an I love you, turned on his Twilight Turtle and ushered his now hysterical brother out of the room.

"Get in your room now Adrian."  I demanded harshly.

I hated where this was going.  Hated, hated, hated it.

I plunked him on his bed and rushed out of the room,  closing it, loudly and swiftly, behind me.  I leaned against it as he battered it, crying and screaming relentlessly.

And then my little one started up again.

I stood there, tired, fed up and out of steam.  I knew I had two choices.

I could walk away and be done with them with a black cloud of guilt following me around for the night, if not days.

Or I could open the door and deal with it...and with that maybe we would all feel better.

I opened the door and swooped my overwrought big boy up in my arms carrying him back to his bed.  He clutched at me as I pulled away thinking that I was going to leave him again.

I laid down beside him.

"Take a deep breath baby.  Breathe in...breathe out." I said wiping away his tears with my thumb.

He breathed in.

And out.

"Mommy will breathe too.  I need to calm down too honey."

And there we breathed in and out a half a dozen times more.

But my job wasn't done yet.

My little guy was still crying his little heart out.  And I needed to get to him.

I kissed away the rest of his tears and told him I'd be right back.

I walked into my baby's room and knew right away he just wanted his 'zazzy' - his soother.  He'd lost it in the pile of blankets and stuffed animals in his crib.  I found it right away and he immediately curled up into a ball on his side as I pulled the blankets up around him.

I returned back to Adrian's room and laid down with him once more.

I had something I needed to say.

"I'm sorry Mommy got so mad."

"It's alright Mumma.  Do you forgive me?"  His voice was still tinged with tears and small.  So small.

My heart dropped into my stomach.

"Of-course I forgive you sweetie...I always do." I whispered softly...hoping my words stay with him, knowing that I will always, always forgive him.

He then kissed my cheek, took a sip of water, and turned to face the wall as he does every night when he's ready to fall asleep.

"Tickle my back?"  His nightly request.  Our nightly ritual.

And I laid beside him, tickling his back, a feeling of relief waving over my body, knowing I made the right choice.  For us all.

8 comments:

Ellen said...

Well done GG. Good choice. Our children teach us so much don't they?

Lisa said...

I totally understand. SOmetimes I get so frustrated with PJ. But he'll ask "One song mama?" and I can't help but give in.

Galit Breen said...

Oh, you're so not alone. I've been there and hated it every bit as much as you did. Some days are just so hard, aren't they?

gourmetveggiemama.com said...

Well done, mama. We all have our moments, don't we?

jesterqueen.com said...

It's so hard to know what's right, isn't it? I'm glad you went in there. I find that with mine, I have to sit inside the closed door pretending not to exist until he gets the point and is ready to listen. Because as guilty as you seem to feel for putting him in there in the first place, I don't think he was planning to listen if you hadn't. I like that you made your point, then cuddled and soothed.

jesterqueen.com said...

It's so hard to know what's right, isn't it? I'm glad you went in there. I find that with mine, I have to sit inside the closed door pretending not to exist until he gets the point and is ready to listen. Because as guilty as you seem to feel for putting him in there in the first place, I don't think he was planning to listen if you hadn't. I like that you made your point, then cuddled and soothed.

My Inner Chick said...

--superb, honest post.

Many mamas will identify.

I know I do. X

Stacey said...

As a happily married, but oftentimes single mother too, I have been here a few times myself. I love your honesty. (ps- I found you through the momalog and am reading backwards through your posts. I love them all!)