Thursday, April 14, 2011

Out Damn'd Soother!

I am a soother enabler.

Whew.  I said it.  I feel so much better now.

I cannot believe I was at one time so against soothers.  Of-course this was before I had children.  Isn't everyone the best parent before they actually have kids?

When someone actually had the nerve, the nerve to give me a soother (among other beautiful things) as a baby shower present I was aghast.

'A SOOTHER?! OVER MY DEAD BODY WILL MY CHILD BE SUCKING ON ONE OF THOSE HEINOUS THINGS!'  I thought to myself.

Fast forward 10 days after my first son was born and I was screaming on the inside "Just be quiet!  Please!  SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!  I can't take it anymore. Stop crying!  What is wrong!??? (as if he could speak in full sentences at 10 days old)....shhhshhshhh! (patpatpat, bouncebouncebounce, rockrockrock) HELP ME!"

And I hunted down that freaking soother and plugged that hideous thing in his mouth.  

Ahhhh.  Silence.  

For a few minutes and then the wailing began again.  

Okay, I thought after a few minutes of beautiful silence (my previous hatred for pacifiers flung far, far out the window) maybe he'll like a different kind.  


And off I ran went to the local drug store.

I couldn't get over how many different kinds of soothers there were as I perused the baby aisle in Shoppers Drug Mart.

Oh the choices!  I was like a kid in a candy store.  

I bought about 5 different kinds and plopped those babies in his precious little mouth until I found "the one".  

It worked beautifully.

So I bought 6 more of the same.  Placing them strategically in diaper bags, the crib, the pac 'n play and different rooms so there was always one around.


Juuust in case!  

At 9 months Adrian simply turned his head and stuck out his tongue when I tried to give him the soother at bed time.  That was it.  The 'soosoo' was kaput.

Panic.

Long car rides were tortuous...and then they weren't anymore.

And I was all smug about it when I'd see other kids, 2 years old with their 'soosoo' still plugged in their mouths.  I'd say flippantly to the Mom's "Oh, my son just gave it up at 9 months...just didn't want it anymore"

Karma's a bitch.

Fast forward to ... now.

I have a 17 month old that may have a soother addiction.  

Example: he'll be sucking furiously on one toddling around with 2 others in his hand.  

I'm not exaggerating.  At all.

He'll get tired of the one in his mouth and switch it up.  He's not even picky.  ANY soother will do.  

If you hold one out 6 feet in front of him he will come running at you with his mouth wide open...just can't wait to get that thing in his mouth.  And if you hold it juuuust in front of his mouth, far enough away that he can't quite get it in his mouth he'll sit there with his mouth opened up wide, waiting, waiting, waiting for that soother to be plunked in like a baby bird waiting to be fed by it's Mother.  

And what is with soothers?  When you desperately need one at 3 am as child is wailing away they're nowhere to be found.

Then the next week you find all 10 of them...even more than you had before.  What the hell? Seriously, the soothers are copulating.  I'm completely convinced of it.

I find them in the toy box, stuffed behind the crib, in coat pockets, dresser drawers, between couch cushions, in the truck under the car seats...amongst other scary things like stale goldfish crackers and crumbs of whoknowswhat

This might not be a huge deal, the whole soother thing.  I realize there are other more important things to be concerned about....like the fact he doesn't say "Mama" yet...or really anything else for that matter.   I suppose I have it in my mind that I MUST get this soother addiction solved before he's 4 and walking around like Gwen Stefani's son Kingston:

Note soother...he's FOUR...not cute.

You see it's all cute now but not when he's FOUR.  Do they even make soothers for 4 year olds?  This picture is plain wrong...and where are his shoes for goodness sakes?  I love you Gwen but ... really?


My son, the soother addict...hey, it looks the same as Kingston's!  
Yes, he's in cereal cupboard...he thought he was pretty smart hiding there...
I can't BELIEVE I FOUND him!
(he's ALSO a cereal addict and this is his
 favourite place to hang out)


4 comments:

Perfecting Parenthood said...

We used the soother too. My wife was against it -- turns out she was right -- the kid's teeth grew straight out, their eyes went cross-eyed and they could only speak wolf. Kidding. They all turned out fine.

We took it away sometime before they were 1 year old. We did like you, bought 3 or 4, and then they just got lost over time and we never re-bought. No suffering at all.

Dana said...

Ha! He's a chain-soother! Let him do it till he's five, keep him out till midnight, feeding him penis-shaped gummies and say you're preparing him to marry Suri Cruise ;)

Found out on Momoir and I LOVED this post. btw, at least you can take the soother away. I have a thumb-sucker and there's no taking the thumb away.

www.18years2life.com

Ellen said...

Baahaahaa! Love it. Dana's comments are pretty hysterical too...a chain soother sucker.

January Dawn said...

I love it Dana! That is FUNNY!!