It was an end of my rope kind of morning. It started off lovely enough watching cartoons in bed with my eldest while my little had a sleep in but as soon as the school clothes came out the defiance set in. And my feelings of frustration brewed.
My husband is away on business. Again. In a string of never ending trips until the spring ends...it seems like the winter goes on and on forever.
I could feel the anxiety fill my chest. Even though I started the day with 5 Sun Salutations my Zen was already beginning to crack.
Until it broke.
People always tell parents with little ones that it gets easy, "Don't worry, it gets easier!" I'm wondering when that's going to happen. At ages 4 and 6 I have two independent little boys who very dependently rarely listen to me in the morning. Gone are the days when I could simply pick them up and change them myself. They are big boys now. It will not do.
Maybe it's because their father is away. Now that they're older they feel his absence more intensely. I've never made his travelling an issue with the boys. I like to think that I have a very positive attitude about life but that doesn't help when your 2 children are in cahoots to literally make you lose your sanity.
I'm not saying this jokingly you guys. Today was BAD. A very, very low point in my days of being a Mother. It wasn't just exasperation and hollering. But heaving, hysterical crying. Words of, "I can't do this. I cannot do this anymore."
In front of my children.
Friends always tell me they don't know how I do it with John travelling so much. Frankly I don't know either. Some weeks I feel ragged, emotionally spent, physically exhausted and resentful. I'm not saying this to have anyone ever feel sorry for me. That is the last thing that I would ever want. I want Mothers that wonder about other Mothers that seem to have it all together to understand that they most certainly DO NOT. Not always. I've never pretended to have it all together. I'm openly point blank blunt to my friends and even acquaintances about how very hard Motherhood is. Regardless if you have a husband that travels a lot or not. There will come a point several hundred times in your lifetime as a Mother that you will honest to God feel like you might lose your mind. And then you just might. What makes it worse is if you call your husband who is 6000 miles away screaming and carrying on like a lunatic that you're going to run away from home because you.just.can't.take.it.anymore. Afterwards you will look back and think, "How the hell did I let 2 children get the best of me?"
You will then wonder if you've scarred them for life with your outburst of mental instability.
I'm pretty sure I did. But my boys got dressed and out the door to school on time.
I just hope to God they don't tell their teachers that Mommy went crazy this morning.
Even though it's the truth.