Sunday, May 12, 2013

Let's Talk About Games ... maybe?

Board Games.  More specifically children's board games.  I thought once upon a time that it would be super awesome when my boys became of the age to start playing games that it would be the wonderful beginning of fun quality time together.

Turns out this is all another big fat ugly commercial fallacy.

Shall we discuss a bit more in depth?

Get right down to the nitty freakin' gritty?

Oh what?  You had no idea there was anything nitty or gritty about children's board games?

We-he-helll.  Have I got some shocking news for y'all.

Let me begin now...

Perhaps I'll start with the ones that are tolerable then I'll move onto the games that are terrible and then I'll end with the games that are so excruciatingly frustrating to play with your children that one could possibly blow an artery out.  I don't actually even know if that's medically possible or even what that means but believe me when I say that there are such games out there.

I will start with the tolerable ones and work toward the ones that are so horribly infuriating that stabbing yourself with a sharp object would be less painful.

Cariboo Island:  This was the first game I bought for my children and I really don't have anything heinous to say about it.  It's  actually a great learning game that has two levels - Beginner and Advanced.  You can start your child on it before age 3 which is the recommended age (but what parent actually goes by those recommendations anyway?)  It teaches your child letters, counting and colours.  And if they aren't into that yet it's fun for them to just insert the brightly coloured coins into the treasure box (warning:  if you don't keep close tabs on  those coins they could end up in obscure places like your utensil or underwear drawer...not that that ever happens in this house) and then they can try to find them behind each tab with the purple key.  Definitely our favourite game here at the Soden residence.

But trust me when I say shit goes downhill fast from here on in.

Candy Land:  If you haven't ever heard or played Candy Land then you probably have lived under a rock your entire life and for that I'm terribly sorry.  Pretty self explanatory game.  Child learns colours, it's bright and yummy to look at, game goes by fairly quickly (that's the biggest bonus).  The only downfall is that your child may demand candy due to looking at all the delectable pictures and could very well end up having a full blown tantrum because you don't actually have licorice or peanut brittle in the house. And for that I can't really blame them.

Not so bad.  Looks idyllic enough.  Only a glass or two of wine are
 required to make it through this one.

Perfection:  Seems pretty harmless right?  You turn on a timer and have to get those tiny little yellow shapes into the correct tiny little same shaped spaces.  You probably played it as a kid so how bad can it be?  That timer is basically  the devil in disguise counting down the seconds before you have a heart attack because you've entirely forgotten how damn terrifyingly LOUD it is when it goes off so every other time you play with your kid you're basically shoving your poor child out of the way to make sure those damn ridiculously small shapes get into those stupid matching holes before you actually do have a heart attack.  Like we, as parents, don't have enough anxiety in our lives...we certainly do NOT need a brightly coloured square piece of plastic counting down the demise of our hearts and minds.  But hey, if you like living on the edge of life like that by all means.  Have at it but don't say I didn't warn you.

Chutes and Ladders:  Good God give me strength.  I have no idea why I thought this was going to be a fun game to play with my children.  I'm 100 percent to blame because I was the one that purchased it thinking it would be along the same lines as Candy Land...but oh no.  NonononoNO.  Do NOT mistake this game for being remotely anything like the delicious quick fun of Candy Land.  It is basically the never ending game of hell.  Oh you think you're going to win?  You think this godforsaken game will finally be over?   You're at square 97, only 3 squares away from the end? THINK AGAIN!!!  You will roll a 1 and your stupid Sesame Street character must slide down another flippin' chute to square 14.  It's basically designed to make parents insane in the membrane.  Harsh?  Possibly.  Truth?  Definitely.

Hungry Hungry Hippos:  I have such fond memories of playing this game as a little girl.  Which is the reason why I bought it for my boys for Christmas 2 years ago.  Worst. Purchase. Of. My. Life.  If you wish for a splitting head ache from listening to your children pound on a plastic toy for hours on end (because for some reason they do not get sick of this game) then this game is for you.  Also?  If you think it's awesome getting your fingers practically cut off every time you disassemble this for it my friends.  I have scars to prove my pain.

Mousetrap: I have my Mother to blame for bringing this game into our home this past Christmas.  The instructions and set up are about 20 pages too long.  I would like to think I'm a fairly intelligent person but even after reading the instructions on how to play this game I still have no idea what the point of those tiny cardboard triangle pieces of cheese are.  The whole idea of having to construct this entire 'mouse trap' while attempting to figure out how to play the game with children just about put me over the, sorry Mum, Mousetrap is heading where Hungry Hungry Hippos went.  Down, down deep into the abyss of our scary storage room.

Never. EVER. Play this game.  Though could be possible after a bottle of wine because
by then who really give a flying *&^% about the damn mouse anyway.

1 comment:

Kristin said...

Hilarious! I also bought Hungry Hungry Hippo because of my fond childhood memories, but the game is a piece of crap now. The mouths never open and sometimes stay open and they aren't even real marbles. ; )
One that I just purchased was Connect 4 and I hope to own day is Guess Who. I've played both with my big gal, and I enjoyed those more! I am done with bored, ehem, board games.