Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Whilst Carving Pumpkins with Young 'uns

"Hey let's carve some pumpkins my sweet darlings!  It's going to be SO MUCH FUN!"  Said no Mother ever.

Because in reality you know deep down in the very pit of your stomach this is actually a shitstorm of a no good, terrible, very bad idea.  

But you do it anyway.  Because children make you do insane things.

Or just make you insane.  Period.

So there we went from grocery store to grocery store on HALLOWEEN DAY trying to find pumpkins for sale.  

Turns out they are in high demand this time of year and quite possibly will be sold out everywhere on the day you actually want to display them.

The unfortunate-fortunate part is that we did eventually find some.

This whole experience is semi-new to me considering the last time I carved a pumpkin I was pregnant with my second son and Adrian had little to do with assisting me, being not even 2 years old. 

Today I came away a little enlightened (and a lot frazzled) and decided to make a short (only slight tongue in cheek) list of tips for carving pumpkins with your little ones if you've not yet dared to...


Tip #1 - When you arrive home with your sweet pumpkins and future Jack-O-Lanterns in tow you may want to crack open a bottle of wine.  Or a very large bottle of vodka.  Because though not advisable to become inebriated when dealing with children and knives and all those really bad combinations of things thrown together it might make things much more tolerable.  (I didn't do this though upon reflection I probably should have).  

Tip #2 - Ensure your floors have not been cleaned least 2 weeks so that any pumpkin guts that fall to the floor won't matter a bit.  Though you've covered every square inch in the radius of 25 feet, your floor WILL become littered with slimy pumpkins seeds and smears of raw pumpkin no matter what measures you take.  

Tip #3 - Do not freak out if your children decide to take a chunk of the pumpkin eye carving and begin to gnaw on it like mine did.  Your child will not get salmonella or botulism or e-coli as I fully believed they would. They will not keel over with food poisoning.  Though they could (if they eat too much) get a bit of a belly ache in actuality raw pumpkin and raw pumpkin seeds are actually very nutritious and a great source of Omegas.  And if you think about it this will probably be the only source of nutrition they'll actually want in the next month or so, so tell them to have at it.  

Gnaw away dear children.  Gnaw away.

Tip #4 - When brainstorming your pumpkin carvings with your children do not use a black sharpie on your white dry erase board.  However, IF you happened to be as distracted as I am (I blame this totally on my children by the way) and you do a dimwitted thing such as I, then be assured all is not destroyed!    

Tip #5 - when picking out your pumpkin(s) it's important to do an all over inspection to make sure that it is not rotting. I realize this is a very obvious tip but these things aren't always so obvious for everyone.  (ahem - see tip numero quattro...I may not be a genius but I know 2 different languages)

Tip #6 - This one is also simple so lean in close, read my words and heed my advice or you could be very, very sorry.

NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER agree to carve pumpkins with a 3 and a 4 year old.  

What happens is you end up doing everything...even the scooping out of the pumpkin guts which is ultimately the whole point of kids helping you carve pumpkins right?  Your arm will feel like it's going to fall off as you begin to sweat due to carving ridiculous looking shapes into a very HARD gourd with a very sharp knife.  Your children will have become extremely bored by the whole process (because you won't allow them to wield a knife - which hello! is the most fun part of all) and will begin running circles around you naked, playing spaceships and rockets, screaming like batshit crazy banshees while you'll be wishing you had that bottle of vodka beside you to drink straight from praying aliens would in fact abduct your spawn at that very moment as you yell, "I have a sharp knife!  Stop running!  I have a sharp knife!  Stop screaming! I have a sharp knife!  STOP!!!!!  JUST STOOOOOPPPPPP!!!"  

Eventually you just give up as the madness increases around you.  

And pause amongst the've become the eye in the middle of the (shit)storm so you might akin it to, admiring your amazing pumpkin artwork.

This was not enjoyable in the least.
In regards to tip number 5:  Closely inspect pumpkin on right.
Back left molar.
He needs to see a dentist.

 Like 2 years ago.

1 comment:

Kristin said...

love it. great list! i so think that its going to be an enjoyable experience each year, but really, it never truly is. what a gong show. again, i was left to do it all! and why do i always think that I am going to do great things with all those seeds......honestly, i just need to toss those! hope the trick or treating experience didn't require as much vodka! ; )