Monday, October 1, 2012

A Mother's Mind

He was curled in at my side as we watched an afternoon movie together.  Up until and still at that point he had been driving me beyond barmy.  To the point where my frustration with him had built up so much in my chest I had to walk away.  He had pushed every single button I had and if he pushed one more something like spontaneous human combustion would happen.  If that's even a thing.

So there we lay, finally, him somewhat but not entirely still, side by side when he asked me an interesting question out of the blue, "Mumma, do adults get scared sometimes?"

And all of a sudden my mind rewound to 24 hours before within less than 24 seconds...


Intensely grating delicious chunk after delicious chunk of parmesan cheese for our pasta dinner, wine glass in front of me, Drive My Soul playing in the background I marvelled to myself about it being a perfect Sunday. The late afternoon sun shining through the open back door.  A cool breeze flowing through the house, the scent of simmering tomato sauce on the stove permeating the inside of our home and wafting out towards the children playing and adults mingling just outside our house.

"Hun, is Fin in there with you?"

A casually asked question from my husband who had poked his in through the front door inquiring about our littlest whereabouts.  Our not quite 3 year old's whereabouts to be precise.

"No, he's not in here."  I stopped grating the cheese for a moment.  Took a breath.  Shook my head from thoughts that wouldn't leave.

Of-course there was nothing to worry about, I told myself.  There are plenty of kids and adults running around together - he may have ducked behind a parked car or is in between one of the houses picking up rocks to add to his ever growing rock collection.

Grate, grate, grate.  

Within seconds my cheeks were warm.  My heart began to beat faster.  My mind went to places no Mother's mind ever wants to go.  A beautiful day, a rainy day.  It could be any day.  Full of music, full of laughter.  Family Love.  

And within they say...your life can change.  Just.Like.That.  Don't they say that all the time?  

All the time.

January, get a grip.  John's out there with them.  He's fine, he's FINE. 

Mothers are such paradoxical beings.  We are filled with an all encompassing, intense Love for our family but what comes with that enormous Love is also a mind that is slapped suddenly and repeatedly with such morbidity.

Grate, grate, grate.

"When your gone...

Will I lose control...

Your the only road that I know...

You show me where to go...

Who will drive my soul?"

 And with those lyrics - less than 30 seconds from when my husband popped his head into the front door and what seemed like 5 million thoughts later I ran to the front door.

To catch a glimpse of my youngest son's green vest as he kicked a ball around with the neighbourhood kids.  Adults watching on.

Happy and Safe.

As the adrenaline left my body tingling from head to toe and smooth, thankful relief followed through.


"Yes honey.  Adults can get scared too."  I drew him in close and rubbed his belly.  "We're mostly scared of something happening to our babies.  You.  You're my baby."  I poked him in the belly gently and he giggled.  "That's why we're always telling you to look both ways before you cross the street, never to answer the door and to always be careful of who you speak to."

He was quiet.  His focus was back onto the movie.  He didn't respond except to flip his leg across my belly and say, "Tickle."  I obliged.  Of-course I did.  I always do.

I don't think he got it.  Maybe he did.  Did I answer his question right, was it too much information for his age?  I'm not sure.  Possibly.

But it was honest.

It was my real, honest answer.

My only answer.


Kristin said...

January, this post is awesome. I have felt that moment of fear you captured so perfectly. And the sense of relief came through clearly as I read you words. WOW! Brilliantly written. Yes, the only answer for that moment.

middle child said...

I think he was a little scared about something and so he asked if adults ever get scared. Perhaps he felt like he was a "baby" to feel that way. He was looking to see if his feelings were "OK."